In the last two months, I have had friends and family asking me the same questions. What are you doing with your life now? What are your plans for the future? I didn’t really use to get these questions before the beginning of the year. I knew it was not going be easy when I made the decision to quit my job but I never thought of an answer to these questions. Yes, I didn’t have a great plan in mind, I must admit. All I knew was that I had to leave my job and whiles I wait for some miraculous opening, I will learn how to sew. The sewing is not going on well as planned. DUMSO is making it hard for the people who were going to help me. So it’s ongoing but slow. I try to think of something to do but I can’t seem to make up my mind on anything. Some good friends have gone beyond the what are you doing with your life question, to suggest what I could do and encouraged me to get it done. But all to no avail.
As I thought of what to do with my life and thought of a plan for my life, nothing came to mind. And its two years already. Unbelievable Huh?! I have done some on and off freelance jobs these two years but it’s not fulfilling. I always jump at an opportunity to get myself busy and make some money. I like it more when I am learning something new. But I still don’t feel satisfied.
These past two years have been challenging. It has been an eye-opener. Made me look at life in a different way. It thought me how to relate well with people. Made me realize who I really am. Thought me who my true friends are, as a friend will put it and above all got me a better relationship with my first love.
In the first year, I was relaxed. I was not worked up about all the things that were not going well in my life. I trusted God and did my part. I was very hopeful. I didn’t burden myself with any new year resolution or set any targets to achieve for the year. So the year passed just like that. When I got tired of all the job applications and the other burdens I had, I stopped bothering my self and lived my life one day at a time. It wasn’t that simple as I have written. Of course, I had my moody and sad days. I had days when I didn’t want anyone asking questions like this; Where are you working now? So I stayed at home when I was invited to a school mate’s wedding. Gradually I started avoiding a lot of outings where I knew I could have such questions asked or where I knew I would meet old friends. Then my number of friends started reducing. I don’t have a lot of friends but I avoided the few that I had. I hid in my shell. I did all these as a free spirit. I would still laugh and dance on the outside but when my issues dawn on me, I got sad. When I was alone I got depressed.
Setting the right priorities
In the second year, a lot of things changed. The first was this; I made a new year resolution. I gave myself some goals to achieve. I made conscious efforts to get a job. To get my life back on track. That is when the change began. The second was this; I decided to go back to my first love. Seek first His kingdom. Knowing that when I do that all the other things will be added. In achieving this goal I sought to develop my prayer life. I set a target to read and study the entire bible in a year. That is when things changed. That is when I started looking at life in a whole different way. By studying the word and praying, all I sought to do was to trust and obey. It was simple in theory but not in practice. I struggled with myself and with God. I had to let go a lot of trash in my life. I loved them so much. Now my focus in life was no longer just finding a good job, having money or a great relationship. It was trusting and obeying God. When I felt I was on track, my faith in God sometimes became shaky. I would ask God questions. Why are you not making my life better? I can’t get a job, going back to school looks impossible and I just can’t figure out any business and even if I do what money will I use to set it up? And yes that relationship that was stressing me out. I was just so confused and lost. There were days I would cry and cry and cry till I had no tears left, asking God why me? So this is how my life is going to be after trusting you and doing my best for you? As I cried one day, I asked myself a simple question. Are your tears changing anything?? Then I started laughing. I took my bible and continued reading, after all, I had a target. That was it. I was done crying.
Things haven’t changed that much on the physical but in the spiritual a lot has changed. The kind of disappointments I have seen this year alone should leave me in tears but I am stronger through it all. All I do is to tell God everything. Ask him to give me strength, increase my faith in Him and never let me lose my trust in Him. I’m not there yet. I am writing all this because a family friend just asked me what I’m still doing at home. For a moment I got sad. But I told myself, I will rather use that emotion to finish this write up I started in 2015 than feel pity for myself. No more pity parties.
This is my challenging but encouraging life story for the past years. I’m sharing it and not crying but smiling because I know the God I serve. I’m here because of great friends who are always there for me. I’m here because of my family who has been supportive all this while. I don’t know how your life is going now. Maybe it’s all good. We bless God for it. Never forget to thank him every day.
Maybe you feel lost like me sometimes or most of the time. You question everything you have done so far with your life. Wondering if it’s the right decisions you made. Tell God about it. Seek Him. You will find Him. If only you seek Him with all your heart. You might not find what you are looking for literally but I can bet you will find something better.
Somewhere in April 2017