Let’s Talk About Sex II

Somewhere last year we had an interesting conversation about sex when I went to get my hair braided at the salon. I couldn’t keep it to my self so I shared with my readers. My favourite line from that write up was this: “Sister. I’m not saying go and have sex when you are unmarried. All I’m saying is, READ!!! And be open-minded. Sex is not all about a man being on top of a woman. It’s more than that”.
The above statement came to mind this week during a Zoom meeting when one of the participants said in passing that “We don’t teach our children how to have sex, but they marry and we expect them to perform. Where should they learn it from”. I smiled when the man said that, a part of me started thinking around that line. It took me to the write up “let’s talk about sex”. He had a point and another part couldn’t help but laugh at what the man said. I decided to put it out there on my status and get people’s reactions.

Some people read meanings into it, thinking I was talking about myself 🤦🏿‍♀‍🤦🏿‍♀‍. Others made my evening as we had an educative conversation about the sex talk and whose duty it is to have the sex talk. A lot of people thought it was a non-starter at all. It’s not a conversation to have with your child even when they are about getting married. Of course, they need to have the usual sex education they are taught in school and also sometimes at church but not how to have sex. Others thought it was the work of the marriage counselors. To them children of today don’t need anyone to teach them how to have sex. Obi nkyere akwadaa nyame, “nobody teaches the child to know God”. They argued that children of today are exposed to sex in every aspect of their lives and as such knew much more than we think. They said children of today know sex styles and position parents don’t even have an idea of. They have read about all the 365 styles in Kamasutra. I kind of understood their arguments because if you have engaged some children in a sex-related conversation you know where they are coming from. One time at church I asked my children(7- 9 years) what adultery was. Peniel answered by saying that when a married man sleeps with someone who is not his wife. I push further and asked them what they mean by “sleep”. That’s when Baffour who was sitting close to me pushed me lightly and said in an undertone “Auntie Akua we are in Church we don’t talk about things like that”. I couldn’t help laughing. They knew exactly what sex was, the right way to have it and when not to indulge in but to them, it wasn’t a topic for discussion at church.

Another brother also said our quest to teach everything has made us miss the joy of allowing things to happen. He made his point by asking who taught us how to say our first words, to listen, understand and let me add one to love. No one teaches us these but we are programmed to do these and more except in some peculiar situations. In his opinion, some things like sex are better left untaught and left for people to discover for themselves in marriage. There’s this thing he said that got me laughing. Our fore father’s never schooled but they knew the penis was not just for urinating. They knew it was also for sex so what do you mean by parents need to teach their children how to have sex? There’s nowhere in the Bible where we find anyone teaching how to have sex explicitly but we all know our favourite Bible characters had sex!. Our quest to learn about sex has made some people sex addicts, he said. It has put others in positions where they’ve done it all and can not seem to find anyone to satisfy them sexually anymore. All because they sought to learn about sex and overdid it.

In as much as I agree to a certain level with my friends, I also have my own opinion.

I strongly believe that sex and even how to have sex should be taught!. Whenever I think of how to teach young people how to have sex, I remember a sex class I attended at church some years ago for soon to be married couples. That class was taught by our associates’ pastor. He started by educating us about the need to engage in foreplay and mentioned spooning as part of foreplay. I read a lot and I read wide as well..lol. I knew almost everything he thought that day. From the sex positions, he took pains to sketch on the board and explain how to go about, to how to wear a condom right and make love to your partner. By the way, it’s still the best sex education anyone has given me in my life…oh and a recent one the guys gave me at the office🤦🏿‍♀‍🤦🏿‍♀‍. I had read Modale marriage by Bishop Dag Heward Mills and other books on marriage and sex, so I was shocked a young lady asked our Pastor what spooning was. I was like, eiii sister you don’t know spooning and you are getting married..hahaha. At that point, I realized not everyone is “spoilt” or exposed to sex like the world wants everyone to believe. Just last week I asked some friends questions about some sex-related issues including spooning and most of them didn’t know. Ok, they knew what it was after I described it but c’mon you should know what spooning is..🤪 yet they were telling me that children of today know everything about sex. They believed they knew more about sex than their parents yet they didn’t know everything sex-related. People create the impression that they know. They watch TV and movies and see actors making out and having sex and so assume they know but guess what, we don’t know it all. I think couples married for 20 years are more likely to be experienced in the act of sex than another who just married or is about to.

My point is this, yes we are bombarded with sex everywhere we turn but let’s not assume everyone knows. Even if we know, more knowledge is good. Yes, we have a lot of young people who are learned about sexology but let’s not forget some people are still naïve. I’m not saying we should go about teaching young people about sex to ignite their urge for it as if it is not there already. All I’m saying is, like that sex class my Pastor had with us, when it’s time for young people to get married, let’s give them “proper education” on sex. This shouldn’t be the responsibility of friends, movies, internet etc. They can be good avenues to learn but the sole responsibility lies on the parents, guardians, and spiritual heads. We shouldn’t assume they are having sex already so they know🤷🏿‍♀️. Don’t let people get married and for weeks struggle with getting the penis to enter the vagina like a married couple shared with me how they struggled with this for weeks when they got married. Let’s relieve our daughters from the pain of first sexual acts by teaching them about lubricants and teaching our sons to take it slow and enter slowly. It shouldn’t be a rush. Sex is far more than what we see in the movies and read about. Some personal experiences shared and guidance will go a long way to help some young people.

Let’s continue with the conversation, what are your thoughts about this, should how to have sex be taught, whose duty is it to teach or you think it should be left to be discovered?

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